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nostalgia

/nɒˈstaldʒə/noun

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noun

seems like everything's falling apart, right? if you're reading this, congrats, you're probably pretty clever. guess i'm having some sort of mental breakdown right now. can't keep that too long or it'll show in the length of the thingy. maybe i'll put something after. to avoid suspicion. used to highlight entire qsj to see secret stuff. anyway. i miss being happy. i thought i was sad before. overwhelmed. tired. was i, really? i feel like i'm not going anywhere. feel like my studies are pure sh*t. feel like my friends hate me. feel like i hate my friends. feel like i'm falling apart and there's nothing. nothing for me. no one for me. i guess i'm really going through it tonight. it was easier when everything was easier. when my only struggle was whether i'd go to people's birthdays, or who was crushing on who. i'm pretty useless now. feel like i just realised i was in a world-sized pond, and i'm actually not the only fish in there. i'm not special. i'm not different. i'm not. what i wanted to be, what i want to be, what i could be. i'm just. so lost. all the freaking time. so much. i don't know if my studies will lead me anywhere. i don't wanna be a lawyer. i don't wanna work in a company or in an office. i don't wanna be stuck. i wanna be free. i wanna live in the mountains. i wanna look at the sky for hours. i don't wanna live like that. i never thought i'd see myself turning 20. i only have few months left before that stupid age. my mom talked to me about when i'd be 37 and i realised i never once thought i'd see myself beinf 37. it's just not possible. i thought college was far away. f¨ck, i thought my stupid middle school diploma was far away. but hell, time does pass, and i hate it. i don't wanna be a real adult. i don't want to struggle to find a job. i don't wanna deceive people by not being what they want. i don't wanna be a disappointement, i don't wanna feel pressured because i'm not romantically involved with anyone (whatdidyouexpectwiththatfaceandthatbodytho). i want someone. can i really be with someone. probably not. i'm useless. it's not like. depressive stuff. it's kinda the truth. i serve no purpose here. i'm bound to end up alone. sad. jobless. or hating a job that isn't fit for me. gosh i want to go back to high school. or anywhere. i don't want time to pass. i don't want to get my diploma. i don't want to make any decision. i don't want to choose a master's degree. i don't want to think about my dream job. i don't want to be wrong. i don't want to end up... i don't want to do things i don't want. i hate living like that. i hate it. i hate so many things. it feels like i'm only hatred sometimes. i hate myself so much it's almost unbearable at times. i know i'll delete this next time i stop by. but i need to get it out today. i have some homework to do tonight. i can't stay in this pathetic mindset. i have deadlines. things to do. i hate it. funny how i went through so many things tonight, i went and search for my first rpg forums, went and thought about how happy i was. funny how i regret 2017 because i'm listening to the beatles and i just want to do that. i wanna put a record on and lie down and never have to think again. i miss when things were easier. anyway. i'm gonna take a shower. probably gonna be back in 30. don't wait for me. listening to yer blues now. how ironic.